


Soldier-Spy

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Evil Snoke, Gaslighting, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Mind Rape, Protective Poe Dameron, Slow Burn, Spy Kylo Ren, both by Snoke just to clarify, who becomes the mask
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24952099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Kylo has a mission to complete — even if it hurts.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6
Collections: The Darkpilot Library





	Soldier-Spy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [oldestcharm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldestcharm/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: For oldestcharm. Sorry it took so long!

Coming out of hyperspace over D’Qar made Kylo Ren grateful that he had taken a Resistance shuttle that someone from the First Order had confiscated for their own purposes. It didn’t stop his heart from speeding up. It was impersonal. He knew that. It didn’t stop him from knowing, simply knowing, that facing people again would hurt —

Six years. Six years since everyone he knew was either dead or far away from him.

Six years. 

He landed on the ground, got out. The D’Qar air felt warmer than it had any right to be. Kylo was also painfully aware of being maskless. Of being all but naked. Dressed in more generic black clothes too; he had to leave his armor behind. 

He was effectively naked here. 

Maybe that struck him more when Poe actually saw him. When he stared at him, jaw slack, like he wasn’t sure what he was seeing was real. 

Kylo didn’t know if he deserved the way Poe just looked at him. 

”Ben!”

Poe ran to him, BB-8 bustling beside him, beeping excitedly. 

Kylo definitely knew he didn’t deserve that sort of acceptance. 

“Ben,” Poe said softly, “You’re home!”

Kylo had to flinch even as Poe hugged him. It would blow his cover for certain, he knew that much. But he couldn’t help but think that this hadn’t happened in a long time. When he thought of touch, he thought of carving weapons, of slicing —

“This is home?” Kylo drew away from Poe in that moment, looking around at the sturdy buildings that made up the Resistance base. The broad blue skies. Possibly more. “Could you call this home?”

”Yeah,” Poe said. “It’s been our base for a while.” He sounded so earnest, so full of hope, that Kylo already felt guilty for making notes to tell Snoke this. 

Could he afford to, really?

***

Meeting with his mother wasn’t any better. Kylo had practiced keeping his mental shields up. That way, she wouldn’t be able to sense that he was lying to her. Even then, it rocked him, momentarily, to know that somehow she had missed him and wanted him to come home. 

He paused. Kriff, had things been that bad? Had his mother...?

She was telling the truth. Kylo could feel it. But how? Snoke had said that he was unwanted. That his mother had gladly replaced him with Poe Dameron. Awful things. 

Why would Snoke lie?

”Ben?” Leia said. Kylo had to keep from flinching at the use of his name. His old name. “Are you all right?”

 _I’m not_ , Kylo thought. Wanted to say. _I’m being torn apart. The very sight of you and Poe reminds me of a life I can’t live. You don’t know what I’ve done_...

But he wasn’t about to tell his mother or Poe everything. Or anything. Even if she didn’t have to torture him to make him want to talk. Even though he was already hating Snoke. For everything. 

_But what if he’s right_? Kylo thought. _What if she’s putting on a good show?_

Except she wasn’t. Kylo just knew. 

He just knew. 

”It’s been a long journey,” Kylo said. 

”I can imagine. You were very brave, renouncing the First Order like that.” Leia said. 

Kylo couldn’t feel less worthy of the praise Leia had given him. 

***

”I hope you like it here.”

Poe was the one who showed Kylo to his room. A simple room, on base — Kylo could imagine making it his home, at least. Of sorts. Assuming that this ever could be home. 

”Thank you,” Kylo said. “Poe...I really don’t deserve you. Or your praise.”

”Kriff, I don’t know what he did to you, but I want to blow his brains out already.”

Kylo couldn’t help but stare at Poe in wonder. The idea that Poe would do that for him. Him, of all people. 

The idea that Poe would do anything to protect him. 

The idea that Poe would — but then again, Poe would damn the galaxy to keep a stranger safe, wouldn’t he? Because he was so devoted to them. To that idea of compassion, like his parents before him. 

There was no chance that Poe could fall in love with a...thing like him. 

”That’s...kind of you,” Kylo said, “But I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

Poe nodded. “At least let me help you,” he said. “I want to. We all do.”

Kylo nodded. He could believe, at least, that Poe believed it. 

***

Kylo was relieved to be alone in his quarters, because he was already feeling himself shaking, his breath short and shallow, like he was drowning on dry land. Was that what a panic attack felt like? Kylo shuddered to think about it. 

_Excellent work, my apprentice_ , Snoke purred in his mind, and Kylo already couldn’t feel any more guilty than...well, ever. _You’ve set foot in the Resistance’s stronghold, and now the next step is to bring these savages down from the inside.  
_

_Poe’s not a savage,_ Kylo thought back. 

Snoke sneered. _The shining knight defends his prince’s honor —_

Kylo couldn’t reply back. Not really. His head felt like it was splitting open. On fire. 

_Do you think he’d want you after what you’ve done_? Snoke said. _Someone who has no place in the Resistance’s story, someone who has enough blood on their hands that they can never get it off? You’re a monster, Kylo Ren_. _No one understands you but_ me.

It couldn’t be true. 

_Once he knows the beast you really are, he’ll gladly call for your execution, and they’ll have a good, long laugh at your expense_...

Kylo tried to imagine it, Poe’s gentle, accepting face turning to hatred and betrayal. Of having to pull away from him, as he had before. 

Would even Poe want him dead?

Or even something smaller, breaking Poe. Seeing the light go out in him. Like Kylo had broken his spirit. 

Snoke thankfully abandoned him for the moment. Kylo took shuddering breaths, and it was stabilizing, just for a moment. It wasn’t just about following orders from Snoke. It was the fact he loved Poe too much — loved him too much to hurt him with the truth. 

Kylo lay back on the bed, closed his eyes, his head still throbbing from Snoke’s attack. How could he even begin to hurt Poe — someone so wonderful, someone so beautiful?


End file.
